TO THE YOUNG WOMAN FACING INFERTILITY,
I see you.
I see you when you’re newly married and constantly asked “when are you going to have children” by strangers or “when am I getting a grandchild” by your family members. I feel you when you don’t want to have to talk about it because you’re hoping it’s not true and by some miracle a baby is on it’s way. So you suffer infertility in isolation while still saying, “Oh we’re not sure, maybe soon” with a smile plastered on your face.
I see you struggle to feel like a woman on most days, because how can you be a woman and not be able to do this one beautiful thing that only women are able to? I see you question your marriage. Will he be happy with no children, or one child, or having someone else’s child? Will he leave me one day for someone younger whose womb will carry his last name and legacy?
I see your hurt and anger when you hear another child abuse or neglect story, where a woman with 6 kids beat or killed her own children because she never wanted to be a mother. I feel your heart ache when a friend says, “Thank God I’m not pregnant this month” like it would be the worst thing to ever happen to them. While inside your heart is screaming that you would kill to have that problem. And I see the hope in you anytime you’re nauseous or gain 5 lbs that maybe the doctors are wrong and this is finally happening. Is it finally happening?
I see you when you’re researching. I know the google searches you complete hoping for just one study where that one woman somewhere had the same exact scenario as you and she conceived, so that must mean you can too.
I see the dreaded “options” search too. Where you look up your options for treatment, adoption, and fostering. Where your jaw drops at the sheer cost of fertility treatment or adoption, let alone everything you’d have to put your body through for a meager 1 in 8 chance of getting pregnant. I feel your heartbreak for the foster kids in the system, but also see you get discouraged because any help group or persons you’ve talked to about fostering have told you about the children taken from homes and returned to birth parents after years in their home. I see you try to convince yourself that it will be easier than they say because you deserve a child.
I see you scrolling through Facebook looking at all of the pregnancy announcements hitting “like” or saying, “oh my gosh I’m so happy for you“, while your tears are dropping onto the keyboard and your heart is breaking. I know that for the rest of the week, or month, or year, you’re going to dream about pregnancy, new babies, the life that you never thought wouldn’t be yours. And I see you snuggle in with your friends newborn. Holding them a little closer, enjoying the baby cries, happy to change a diaper.
And I see you in your quiet time at night, reasoning with God. Pleading, asking that one day by some miracle you’ll conceive, get to watch your belly grow bigger and bigger until finally you bring baby home and keep them forever. I see you pray without failing but never truly believing it will happen for you.
I SEE YOU.
And want you to know that you’re enough. No matter the fertility of your womb, your sanity and angry lashing outs when asked one more time about having children, or the tears that you cry each night. You are worthy of a good and happy life. You are worthy of a child. You or worthy of the title Mother. And although the road to get there may be hard, with the right support you can get there. Even if your journey to motherhood looks totally different than you ever imagined.
When we stop getting bogged down by the heartache of not being able to have one (or another) biological child, and rather recognize that a child, no matter how they come into our lives, is a gift from God, the possibilities for a family grow exponentially. I encourage you to focus less on the state of your womb, and more on the state of your heart. Be open to a family, no matter what that family looks like. Reach out to friends, family, and support groups. And even if having a biological child may not be in the cards for you, living your fullest life is.
Our journey to infertility may be extremely different from yours and we were so blessed to have a child. Just because our story starts after our first child, it doesn’t change the fact that my heart breaks for each and every one of you. Every woman who is struggling to get pregnant, struggling to raise the money to adopt a child, or struggling to convince their husband (or themselves) to put their heart on the line and take a chance at fostering. We’re in this together, and I’d love to pray for and support you.
Please subscribe so you don’t miss out on our journey to and through infertility. We’re still in the trenches of it – but by grace we’ll make it through.
**** IF YOU’RE STRUGGLING WITH INFERTILITY, CONCEIVED THROUGH INVITRO, FOSTER, OR HAVE ADOPTED, I’D LOVE TO FEATURE YOU ON MY UPCOMING FRIDAY FEATURE BLOG COMING THIS SUMMER. YOU CAN READ ABOUT IT HERE.
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